She Puts Down Her Crayons and Picks Up A Pencil

Time to repost the classics while I am waiting for the muse to come back :P LOL


Well assuming I can post this. it seems strange writing here. About the only place I have now to post while I am transitioning my web site. But I do have the itch to write something and post, so I will post it here. But like I said if I can. If this site throws another one of its tantrums doesn't allow me to visit it then I will just wait until my web site is back up.

Anyway woke up in a really good mood today. Mostly because I didn't wake up early with a stuffed up nose or from nightmares. That mood enhanced by something I saw on the Internet while drinking my coffee. That was what inspired me to write something again after such a long break from it.

I thought about linking to what I saw on the Internet, but decided against it. If I did that it would spoil this post. Nothing wrong with what I saw, but I know from experience it would not be a good idea. Because it would hide the bigger idea. After all what I saw was just a catalyst to this something bigger.

How I was going to approach what came to mind and write about seem hard. I thought about writing on my own feelings about this something bigger. I might still do that, but it seems egotistical to make it all about me. Because it's not all about me, I am just one element in the set after all. But yeah it still appeals to me to make it all about me and have people stroke my ego with their comments.

But I will start by making about me, because it is way to start. It is easier to write about what I feel and experience and from there infer to the bigger set. Taking that with a grain of salt since the other elements of the set are not me. Therefore I have no idea if what I conclude based on me applies to other elements.

Maybe it does, in the general. After all there are many ways to get to the same point. My way of doing is just one of them, not the only one. But again I am speculating. Wasting time on something that really doesn't matter anyway. Does it matter what the rest of the elements in the set are like? What I think matters to me is not trying to prove or disprove that. But taking that applying it to the decisions and choices I make. Hopefully come up with something that makes my life better. Better to say, makes me more at peace with my life.

Ok time to move on here. I did enough trying to introduce what I am trying to get at, now its time to actually write about it. What I saw on the Internet was like a key. A key that unlock why I feel the way I do especially toward other people now and in the past. Hopefully not into the future because I realize that attitude I have is not the way to go into the future and have the life I want in that future. It is just something created from my experiences. Just because what I have experienced has formed that attitude doesn't make it right or the best. Just one attitude that I can adopt toward people.

Anyway I am getting distracted by what I think when I write here, time to get back on track. My attitude toward people has gone through some stages in my life. I can look back to when I was really young and see who I truly am deep down inside. That person has totally different attitude toward people than the person sitting here writing this post. But along way things happen that twisted that attitude to what it is now.

One of them was something that happen when I was six years old. What that something is immaterial. What that meant to me is what is material. How could I reconcile my attitude with what happen to me? Something was wrong here. If what I believe is to be true, then this would never happen to me. In other words I had a crisis in faith at an early age in my life.

I resolved the best I could with what I knew. Being so young and no one to turn to now for help, it is understandable the conclusion I drew to resolve it. That I saw people as monsters. Things that could and would hurt me. Better to stay away from them and places associated with the act as much as possible.

One way to stay away from them is give them no reason to be near me. Blend in as much as possible. If people don't notice me then they have no reason to interact with me and I am safe. That at its most basic level was my thinking toward people. Finding a way to be safe while around them so what happen before or something similar would not happen again.

There where other things going on at the time. I don't want people reading this thinking that because I discuss this one thing that happen to me when I was young is the complete picture of what drives me. Is by no means the whole picture. Just a part of it. I could write about everything in the whole picture. If I do that I might as well write a book because it would take that long to discuss everything in the picture. So for the sake of brevity here I will just mention that.

Anyway how I resolve my crisis in faith was what drove me for most of my life. There really wasn't anyone that came along that made me question my attitude toward people. If anything what I experienced growing up and being a young adult only reinforced that attitude. Which looking back is understandable because if you are not going to let people close to you to see if they are safe or not then all I will have to guide me is what happen to me back when I was young. But as I grew older there where things that slowly changed that attitude.

Like talking about my childhood, I am not going to go into detail here what happen. Because it would take too long to talk about everything. Even if I did talk about one or two things as an example it might lead readers to the wrong conclusion. That conclusion being those one or two things where the only influence on me. That is why I hate communicating at times. Either I talk a lot to make sure I paint a complete picture of the idea in my head at the expense of the person I am communicating with. Or keep it short and simple and give a skewed version of the idea to the person. Fine line between brevity and being complete. Too fine for me to see at times.

Anyway I had another crisis of faith. That attitude I cling to protect me with other people seem wrong. Maybe saying that is too harsh. Because there are people who would hurt me and I should protect myself from them. But I didn't need to hide from people to be safe is what I realized. I also realize that I could survive even if I did get hurt. Life goes on had new meaning to me. So I opened up and start being myself in a way. Only to find another reason to have an attitude with people.

That reason being the way people saw me. If it was just that then I would be happy with that. After all people will reach their own conclusions about me based on the limited knowledge they have me. But it was more than that. People where trying explicitly and implicitly to make me into what they saw in me. They where the experts on me not myself. It seem like being with people was a constant battle to be myself. Not only be myself but discover who I was also. Trying to make sense of what I sensed and trying out new things to help me discover who I am was hard enough, let alone deal with all the misinformation that was thrown at me from other people.

Here I was trying to make sense of myself. In a way growing up and maturing finally in my life. I didn't need that opportunity spoiled by other people. I withdrew again from people so I could do that. Slowly at first and even came up with reasons to prove that. Reasons that sounded better than "Fuck off and quit telling me who I am". Yeah laugh you want, but it is what I am thinking when it comes to people.

Now I could get on my soapbox and carry on here about people, but why rehash that old rerun of a post. Besides if you really want to read posts like that there are plenty out there. Posts from people who are just being egotistical in their own subtle way. People writing posts that want the world to change to suit them. So they feel comfortable and safe like a baby in the womb. They could care less about other people just as long as the world is making them feel safe.

HOLD ON HERE!!!! Get off the soapbox again. If people want to use people like a disposable razor then that is their decision. But what matters to me is my decision. Where to go from here. Where to go from here, is not be a hypocrite.

What I hate other people doing to me is what I do to other people. I make assumptions and have expectations of people around me. If they don't meet them then I try to force them in my own subtle way to be that way. Even try to blackmail them in a way to be that way. That is something I need to stop. But to do that I have to face my fears. I am not sure I can do that.

Saying that I also realize that in thinking about in that way that I must believe in myself enough to face those fears. The fears that were given birth in what happen when I was young. In order not to assume and have expectations about other people, I have to get to know them as an individual. Which presents a problem. Sure I can ask people about themselves and get to know them that way. Easy to do for surface details about a person since people like talking about themselves. But for the things deeper down then there has to be some give and take. I have to reveal something about myself deep down in return. I don't know about that.

Because it does come down to trust. Sure they can trust me, but can I trust them with who I am? What I experience as a kid with someone I trusted very deeply says no in a big way. But just because my father let his circumstances change him into a person who was all about gratifying himself doesn't mean other people are the same way. But who trust and not to trust is the big question.

Is there signs that other person gives that tells me who to trust? I don't think so. Even if there was they could be manipulated by someone who wanted me to trust them for their own benefit. When it comes down to it, there is no sure way. Just have to go for it and hope for the best is what I tell myself. Pick myself up and try again when it doesn't work out or I get hurt from trusting the person. At the same time, rejoice when that trust is rewarded with the mental intimacy that comes from knowing each other for who we are as a person and being happy with that.

Maybe I should stop here. Even trying to brief here, I ended up writing a short story anyway. Something that is too long for this type of media. But then again I didn't write this for the reader's benefit at the start. It just my way of making sense of what I saw this morning when I was on the Internet. So that begs the question why did I share it here. After all I get no benefit from sharing other than my ego when someone likes or agrees with me. I can get that from other places than some broken down and neglected website like this one.

A question without a clear-cut answer. But what is new in life. Get use to it is what I say to myself. Just go with it and figure it out later. Plenty of time to do that, and if there isn't then it won't matter anyway at least to me. YIKES!!! definitely time to stop here, that leads to a morbid subject that will just kill my happy mood :P

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