Running on Empty

Time to repost the classics while I am waiting for the muse to come back :P LOL

 

For the last couple of days I have had this fear rising up to the surface.  What I had in the past to keep the fear at bay is no longer working as well.

That would be the excuses I find not to face the fear.  You know the ones like "I am too busy", "I am not good enough", "It doesn't matter" or whatever excuse I think of not doing what I fear.  Make myself feel good about myself while not doing what I fear but know to be the right thing to do.

That seem to be the one thing in my life that I was good at doing.  Finding reasons not to do those things.  But that ability seems to be slipping.

Maybe the ability is not slipping at all.  I can still hear those excuses rattling around in my head.  They just don't have the strength anymore.  I am realizing that they are bullshit.  Something I told myself to appear strong when I was weak.

When I think about that is something that I realize before.  In the past, when I realized what I was doing I hated myself.  I hate cowards.  I saw myself as being a coward for doing that.  But this time it is different.  Different in that there is understanding.

Understanding in that I am just an human being.  A human being that felt alone in the world and didn't know who to trust.  Felt like I handle my fears and problems on my own.  Which of course in some situations I couldn't do and end up making excuses to get out of them instead of dealing with it.

But now I realize the time for excuses is over.  Its time to do something and face those fears.  In order to do that I am going to need help.  That is a big fear in itself.

In order to get that help, I am going to take down that mask I have.  Reveal myself for who I truly am.  A lying, thieving, deceitful, manipulative person among other things.  All those things that we are taught that make a person bad and evil.  Even better realize I am not the person they assume I was all this time.

It is a matter of trust I know.  But its little bit more fuzzy than that.  It would be easy if it was like when I was younger.  When I believe I could trust no one.  If that was really the case then I could resign myself to being alone and just doing the best I can.  But damn it, there have been people who I coud trust to a degree.  So there is doubt about this feeling that I cannot trust anybody with what I want to reveal.  So there is hope.

I want to curse that hope.  With that hope means I have to face that fear.  Because if I can face that fear and get what I want out of life then I should do it. But that raises a bigger question.

If I am going to face my fear and do something well I need to need to know what I want out of life.  Now that is a sticky question indeed.  Something I have been thinking about a lot.  I think what I really want out of life is a sense of peace in mind.  That it doesn't matter how it turns out, as long as I feel happy with myself.  That I did the best I could being the person I am with no excuses.

Everything else is just life.  Being in the right place at the right time, luck of the draw, and so on.  I am too tired to come up with catchy phrases for life.  Its not about being good and the universe will reward me with riches, good friends, and all my other external wants and expectations.  The universe will be itself regardless of what I do.  But what makes the difference is how I feel about myself.  For once I want to be myself not make excuses.

The other thing is that its going to take patience to reach that.  I also have to discover for myself what it will take to reach that.  Something I know I can do from my experience in accepting and coming to terms with being transgender in a way that suited me.  The only difference is that instead of just one aspect of myself, I am dealing with the whole of myself.

But now how to conclude this post.  I am too tired to think of some nifty conclusion to this post.  So thats it until next time.

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