Before I started this blog entry, I was doing my brain games. You know us old people we need to keep the brain circuits going or they wilt away. For some reason sitting in a chair watching whatever is on the TV while someone spoon feeds me veggies is not that appealing to me. I know it will come one day but I am motivated to keep that from happening as long as I can.
Anyway while I was doing my brain games, I was thinking about something I would write in the blog. Trying to get the concept right in my head. It was getting there where I could put into words, but not quite blog material. One thing I noticed after playing my brain games was that I actually did better on them. I wonder why that was the case.
After all conventional wisdom says I should focus on the games so I can do better. But I think that was the problem the whole time. Being focused lead to part of my brain being bored. You know how things when its boredom, finds something to keep itself enterained. Usually some kind of mischef. I think by giving that part of my brain something to do in trying to decide how to write the blog entry, it allowed the part of my brain that was needed to do the brain games to not be distracted by the part of my brain that was bored. I don't know if that is true or not. But its a theory.
Anyway what I was going to write about was trying to put words to something that disgusts me. Well maybe disgusts is too harsh of a word. Maybe a better word would be counterindicated. Borrow a word from the medical terminology. Because this thing brings out the worse in me at times. The problem was that I couldn't quite find the right words to describe this "thing".
Sure I could use some stereotypes to simplify my writing of this thing. Which would make this blog entry a lot more easier, but for someone trying to understand themselves that isn't such a hot idea. Leave the stereotypes for the lazy writers and writers looking to prop up their self esteem. But anyway I would almost get a handle on it and then it would slip away. Maybe it cannot be verbalized at all.
Will more to the point it cannot be completely verbalized. That it comes from a part of my brain that words are a mystery. I sometimes think my brain is a collection of different people that speak a different language. That the part of my brain that is self-aware is like the foreman of all these people trying to make sense of the babble. Some of the babble does makes sense, in time and with patience some of the babble does make sense in a way and some of it is gibberish no matter how hard I try to understand it. But I wonder if that is the reason why I find myself withdrawing from people.
It is not so much that people scare or disgust me like they used to do, but its because I am trying to make sense of that babble in my head. Something that has been lacking in my life. That it is really a case of "All circuits are busy" in my head that I don't have the time or inclination of making sense of other people. Well it sounds good right now.