Today was a really good day. The last few months have not been the best for me. Nothing to get upset about. After all crap happens. Throws a person off their game and life just seems out of control.
But as I come out of that bad time, I find myself reflecting on my choices. Not in an angry way like I have done in the past, but more in a positive way. Like how can I make better choices in the future. Choices of where I spend my energy and time that seem more productive for me. Do something better than going around and around doing the same thing and ending up with the same results.
There is comfort in doing those same things over and over again. Not going to expand on that because its something I have written about before, but address that fear. The fear of not doing the same thing. The fear of not knowing the results of choices that lead me away to something new. I think it will be better, but will it?
I could always say like a lot of people here that they have the "solution". When things don't work out then its the universe that is at fault not my "solution". Myself I don't want to spend my twilight years bitter because of thinking like that. I rather spend them, happy that at least I tried.
I think for me that is what matters the most. Not the results, but that I tried. I tried something that I thought was the best choice. Because I have to accept that I am human. I am one person trying among so many other people and a universe that has their own agenda. I cannot say for sure that things will end up the way I want them. Therefore it is stupid to blame myself based on how life ended up.
Look at myself inward toward did I make the right choice at the time. I could do that based on my morality, but morality is a cruel and cold. Morality is like another person looking at me from the sidelines. It doesn't know about me and what I am going through at the time. Just see the actions and choices then passes judgement. Morality doesn't give a shit about my feelings and what I am going through. Just likes to say "You are a bad person for doing that".
I think I need to take a more encompassing view of myself than just what morality sees in me. Understand myself better as a human being. Accept my weaknesses in myself and that I am learning as I go. With that be more accepting as the person I am not the person I should be based on my morality or my image of who I should be as a person. I am just Michelle, one fucked up person doing thet can.