Better Frame of Mind

Today was a really good day.  The last few months have not been the best for me.  Nothing to get upset about.  After all crap happens.  Throws a person off their game and life just seems out of control.

 

But as I come out of that bad time, I find myself reflecting on my choices.  Not in an angry way like I have done in the past, but more in a positive way.  Like how can I make better choices in the future.  Choices of where I spend my energy and time that seem more productive for me.  Do something better than going around and around doing the same thing and ending up with the same results.

 

There is comfort in doing those same things over and over again.  Not going to expand on that because its something I have written about before, but address that fear.  The fear of not doing the same thing.  The fear of not knowing the results of choices that lead me away to something new.  I think it will be better, but will it?

 

I could always say like a lot of people here that they have the "solution".  When things don't work out then its the universe that is at fault not my "solution".  Myself I don't want to spend my twilight years bitter because of thinking like that.  I rather spend them, happy that at least I tried.

 

I think for me that is what matters the most.  Not the results, but that I tried.  I tried something that I thought was the best choice. Because I have to accept that I am human.  I am one person trying among so many other people and a universe that has their own agenda.  I cannot say for sure that things will end up the way I want them.  Therefore it is stupid to blame myself based on how life ended up. 

 

Look at myself inward toward did I make the right choice at the time.  I could do that based on my morality, but morality is a cruel and cold.  Morality is like another person looking at me from the sidelines.  It doesn't know about me and what I am going through at the time.  Just see the actions and choices then passes judgement.  Morality doesn't give a shit about my feelings and what I am going through.  Just likes to say "You are a bad person for doing that".

 

I think I need to take a more encompassing view of myself than just what morality sees in me.  Understand myself better as a human being.  Accept my weaknesses in myself and that I am learning as I go.  With that be more accepting as the person I am not the person I should be based on my morality or my image of who I should be as a person.  I am just Michelle, one fucked up person doing thet can.

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Comments (4)

  1. scarletts_letters

    I think one thing that got me out of really deep depression was to recognise it and try early to stop it sinking into me, not struggling but letting it fade. It’s always slightly different, like the flu that arrives every year, pointless trying to hide or stop it, then it becomes managing.
    For me the ritual was getting out of myself, books, movies, tv and other people but that never helps, those things become a ritual and lose power fast.
    I’d felt immoral for a long time, I even sometimes now wince at things I’ve done – or not done but that’s another trap like distraction, you – me and everyone else is different, sometimes slightly sometimes significantly and morality is a coating, one colour one depth one texture, how can it work for anyone at all really? Leave it, don’t worry about it, just be Michelle, you’re not perfect, no one is but you do have the right to be happy.

    June 01, 2017
    1. notathoughtgiven

      That is a good way of looking at it. Managing it. That is all we can do is manage it the best we can at the moment. Whatever it is at the moment.
      I think morality is just part of the bigger picture that is us as a person. Sure it would be nice if we could live by our morality, but its not only thing that has influence in our life. But often when we judge ourselves with things like morality then its the only thing in play. Forget about the larger picture that morality is a part of in our lives.
      I don’t know so much about the right to be happy. But maybe the inner peace that comes from realizing I tried and did the best I could at the moment. If I didn’t then why not so I can learn and try to do better next time. At least to me that seem like right thing to do overall

      June 01, 2017
      1. scarletts_letters

        I hope that helps, things got better for me when I unempowered the thing, part of it was to not struggle and move on. Not that it’s possible to just move on or forget it but rather lessen it’s effect anyway.
        Well things are not always black and white, if ever, we live in shades of morality and it’s subjective for most. The ones that see everything as an eye for an eye and good or bad nothing else tend to be pretty hypocritical about morality anyway.
        Its difficult to imagine someone not having the right to be happy unless they are a real monster I mean, and you are far from that, or me, or most people I come into contact with these days.

        June 14, 2017
        1. notathoughtgiven

          Well that is the truth isn’t it? Unempowering the thing and quit struggling against it is the way to go. The hard part is figuring out for ourselves how to do it. That is something we have to figure out for ourselves.
          Some people see it like they do morality. One size fits all kind of thinking. What works for them will work for other people. Other people believe it will work for them because they are desperate for anything to help them. Then end up more jaded when it doesn’t. Never realizing that the key to their happiness is something that they have to figure out for themselves instead of relying on other people to tell them what to do or change for them so they can be happy.
          That is why I don’t like saying “right to be happy”. Because at least to me it conveys the attitude that it is up to other people to make us happy because it is our right to be happy. I like thinking “possibility to be happy” because its not up to other people to make me happy, but up to me to figure out what it is that will make me happy. With that attitude I find happiness easier to find when I take control and figure it out for myself

          June 19, 2017